Botox may help you get the job, but it won't help me with my expressivity problems.

"...a study published in the June issue of the journal Dermatologic Surgery in which 300 volunteers rated "before" or "after" photos of 17 women who had had Botox injections in their brow, forehead, and eye wrinkles. The volunteers gave higher scores to the "after" photos for attractiveness, dating appeal, and athletic ability—all qualities that improve the first impressions people make when meeting a potential boss, argues the study's author." (full article, U.S. News & World Report)

Really? Really? The woman pictured in the article looks younger than I do. If you look like you need a fake ID to get into bars, I'm pretty sure you don't need to be thinking about Botox.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm probably gonna juice myself up with all that shit (or the safer, less toxic version that will inevitably surface within the next 15-20 years) when it comes time to do so. Lord knows I ain't planning on aging gracefully, ala Jamie Lee Curtis. Fuck you, Activia. But until I'm pushin' mid-30's, you can bet that I am not gonna fall for any of this. If you're in your 20's and you want to have the same effects that Botox will give you (and you don't have some rare aging disorder that makes you look a lot older than you actually are) all you have to do is get a facial, have a flattering eyebrow wax/shape, sport a haircut that works with your face shape, stay hydrated, and get a good night's sleep. Employers want people who are fresh and versatile, not robotic and stretched out.*


*Note: When saying "Employers" I cannot comfortably speak for financial institutions. You prospective i-bankers should feel free to remove all nuance and originality from your features.

Some shit you just can't make up

Tonight I went to Bamboo House with my family to celebrate my impending employment. Within a minute of being seated, we were accosted by Ethel Goldstein*, a woman who attended the same synagogue that we were members of around the time of my Bat Mitzvah. She has something like 4 or 5 sons, all pretty close in age. One of them, Adam, is a year younger than me, and we were in Hebrew school together. I remember him having a major crush on me, and I was silly enough to string him along for a few years. Not long after having my Bat Mitzvah I, of course, grew tired of going to the synagogue because well...I didn't HAVE to anymore, and we soon switched to a reform congregation. I'm pretty sure the last time I saw Adam was when I was 14 or 15, and he had turned religious or something. Anyway, this is how the conversation with Ethel went:

Ethel: Oh my goodness, I can't believe it's the Kane family! How are all of you?
(Mom and Dad try to speak, but to no avail)
Ethel: And Amy wow, I can't believe it's you you're all grown up! What are you up to now?
Me: Well, I just graduated from college and--
Ethel: COLLEGE! Oh wow, of course. How time flies, I really can't believe it. What did you graduate with?
Me: Excuse me?
Ethel: You know, what did you graduate with?
Me: (puzzled) Um, a major in communication studies and a ticking clock on my student loans--
Ethel: Communications, wow! So what are you doing now?
Me: Well, I just got a job and--
Ethel: Oh, in the city?
.........
Me: (nods)
Ethel: Wow, that is just, that is something, you know?
(We all share an awkward laugh)
Ethel: Well my Adam now, he's grown up too, he's married and expecting a baby.
Me: Well, he wins.
Ethel: What?
Me: Nothing.
Mom: (Kicks me under the table)
Me: So wait, that's great. Congratulations. When did he get married?
Ethel: Let me think. He married this lovely religious girl...and they have been busy doing what religious people do--
Everyone: (awkward)
Ethel: So let's see, the baby is due in October, so I wanna say they got married in..February? Wow, how time flies, really. Just look at you, wow. And I'm gonna be a grandma. Me! I have an 11 year old son, and I'm going to be a grandma. Isn't that just...great.
Dad: Well, congratulations, it was really great to see you.
Ethel: Oh yes, of course. Amy, good luck with...work and everything!
Me: Thank you.
Ethel: (Walks away)
Family: (Sigh of relief)



*Name changed, but just as Jewish.

So now....

Where the crap am I gonna live???? Anyone know good brokers and/or potential roommates, send them my way.

Bryant Park Film Festival

Just so ya'll know, every Monday night this summer (until mid-August) there will be a FREE movie playing at Bryant Park sponsored by HBO. Why do I say sponsored by HBO besides being a corporate shill? Well, they play the ORIGINAL HBO intro (you know, the one where the HBO logo flies in space and has the kick ass score) and you have to get up and dance during it. It's tradition. Besides the movie and the HBO intro, you also get a remastered WB cartoon, a trailer, and a commercial. Last night they had Dr. No and next Monday is going to be Bride of Frankenstein. The festival ends with Superman in August. The lawn opens at 5 and I suggest ya get there by then even though the films normally start by 9 or whenever the sun sets. Really, this is best viewed with a bunch of friends since you're going to be there for a while and you can totally picnic it up over there. Also, beware the ominous black and gold building. It gets creepy as it turns to darkness.

For a complete list of films, click here:

http://www.bryantpark.org/calendar/film-festival.php

Also, Hudson River Park has free movies going on as well but you get them on two nights. Wednesdays you have the "grown-up" films and Fridays you have the "kiddie" films but, honestly, there really is no discernible difference. They both have some great quality stuff and when did you have to be a kid to watch Willy Wonka or The Iron Giant? And, for grown-ups, they got Almost Famous July 16. Check out the events calendar if you want to see what they got for yourself.

http://www.hudsonriverpark.org/events.asp?date=7/2008&day=1&size=large

~BB

Summer Reading or How I Stopped Worrying And Loved the Great American Novel

Hello all there in the blogosphere. Here is your friendly friend The Big Bukowski with the optimistic response to your day to day problems.

Yes, it's that time of the year again. Summer. Usually it's the lull between two different periods of life: fall and spring semester. Now it's the limbo between job and no-job. The worst of it though is the danger of having nothing to do. With nothing to stimulate your brain, you're bound to go a little dim. Never fear for there is a little something that will keep your mind active and happy. It's simple. It's everywhere and you've used them all the time in college. That's right. Facebook...err..I mean books.

Now the main problem with books is that there are just so many of them. Considering there are so many of them with so many things to say, there are bound to be a few clunkers in there. Just read any Dan Brown or Michael Crichton (post-Jurassic Park) novel and you'll see why. That's why I'm here. I'm the the last line of defense to prevent you from reading crap. What do I recommend this week? Wellllll.....here comes a recurring column piece at ya. Book reviews. No. That's too bland. How about...book JUDGMENTS. There we go.

On the judgment block today we have two different novels: A Confederacy of Dunces and Blood Meridian. One a farce on society and the other a bloody, bloody, bloody denouncement of our society.

A Confederacy of Dunces is the perfect book to read after graduating. Why? Because it'll scare the living shit out of you. Taking place in 1962, the book's protagonist Ignatius Reilly has just graduated from grad school, is 30 years old, lives with his mother, and works odd jobs including as a below minimum wage paid hot dog vendor. You thought you had it bad now then wait till you read this book. Of course, Ignatius Reilly is, possibly, the most unlikeable protagonist since Holden Caufield and you want to see terrible things happen to him because he does so many unredeemable things to other people. However, I think we all can share a bit of sympathy with him because we can all sympathize with someone trying to find a job and failing to get it or having a job and not having it being the most secure thing in the world. The lighthearted tone of the book is at times hilarious and at other times jarring. There are over a dozen kooky characters in this book that, on the surface, seem to have nothing to do with each other but (SPOILERS) like a great puzzle, they all fit together by the end. If you are willing to stick it up for the entire 400 something pages, then you'll be richly rewarded by the payoff. (END OF SPOILERS) It's hard to pass judgment on this book since there are so many good things about it but it moves at a snail's pace. It's Kafka the comedy, really, albiet this protagonist is even less likeable than a cockroach. I recommend you check it out for yourselves but with a warning. This book is not for everyone.

Speaking of books not for everyone, Blood Meridian is the quintessential anti-Western and anti-mythmaking book I've ever read. It's also the bloodiest, most mean spirited historical tale ever written. The book's protagonist could be considered the Kid since he is the only likeable character in the posse but the book prides itself on its villains. You want some of the meanest, vilest sons-of-bitches to ever walk this earth? You got them. The Judge and Glanton are easily some of the most despicable, evil characters to ever be put into print. The book does not have a plot, per say, than a series of violent events that happen to them or, mostly, are caused by them on their trip to California. Let me tell you this, for all the brilliance of Cormac McCarthy's prose, you do not want to read this if you A) have a weak stomach or B) disgusted by hyper violence. I cannot reiterate this enough, this IS the bloodiest, most violent book ever written. Nothing will ever come close to matching it. You can have a man in a ski mask with a machete cut up as many teenagers as you want but that will be the equivalent of one sentence in this book. Like all good books, it'll make you rethink about a lot of things that they taught you in US History class and will bring up many existential questions. Instead of going out to the theaters to see some brainless action fare like The Mummy 3, read this. It'll give you all the violence you'll ever want and then make you rethink about why you watch violence in the first place. Cormac McCarthy may be quite the devil with his words but he is a godsend to literature.

Coming up soon for judgment is Good Omens with some movie reviews coming up sooner than that but, till then, stay cool and stay happy.

~BB

The Scoop: Day 1

I went back to my job at Eats and Sweets today. How was it? Well, it was working with a bunch of girls, ages ranging from 15-20 while my boss ran out to run errands, leaving me to be the boss. That's how it was.

The work itself is easy - so easy after all these years that it's second nature. Literally, I cannot just stand around when I'm there. I'm always just idly doing something - it really brings out the OCD in me. I'm working tomorrow day shift, and then hopefully that'll just be IT. I'm interviewing with a temp agency in the city on Friday in the midst of spending a long weekend (Thurs-Sun) in New York.

It's nice to have pocket change, and like I said it's not even like I'm working because the tasks come so naturally to me. I guess I just want to have a job where I don't duck in the back when I think I see someone I graduated from high school with walking in.

In any case - temping. Yes, I am looking to start temping. Great. I figure it'll be a good way to get some experience on my resume that isn't an internship. As for lack of benefits, meh. I'm on my Dad's health plan until the end of the calendar year, so hopefully I'll have something more stable in the coming months. We'll see...We'll see.

Perils of Unemployment

Sometimes when I tell people the average starting salary in my industry, they get all scary-eyed. "How can you live off of that?" they'll ask, incredulously? "That's insane! You'll be miserable."
But let's take a minute to think of it this way: starting salary, let's call it $X.00, is actually quite a bit more than what I'm used to. In fact, it's $X more than I'm used to, because right now, friends, I make $0.00 a week. A month. A year. If I got a job as a panhandler, I would increase my income. So to be honest, skeptical friends and family, $X.00 sounds like I won the freaking lottery.
So let's recap: I make no money. I check my groceries at the self-service station so I can type in the price of cheaper apples and save 15 cents. I DO MY OWN LAUNDRY. I can create a lunch out of Trader Joe's samples. I don't even pretend to reach for the check at restaurants. But apparently, I am also retarded, because when I see all the one-piece bikinis on Delias.com, I pull out my credit card to buy one. Here are some problems with my actions:
a.) Delias is a catalogue, so how do I know it will fit?
b.) Delias is a teenagers catalog at that, so how do I know it won't look horribly cheap and cheesy?
c.) I live in Brooklyn, not Miami, and I swim twice a year.
d.) Even when I swim, I'm not that terrific at it.
But you know, at least I can wear my one-piece on the street while I beg for change.
WILL DO UNDERWATER HANDSTAND FOR MONEY

http://store.delias.com/browseAll.do?categoryID=1505
xoA

Universal Studios on Non-Figurative Fire

LOS ANGELES, California (CNN) -- A massive fire Sunday at Universal Studios destroyed the building housing the King Kong exhibit and damaged a video library vault, officials said. The fire is still burning at the video vault, Los Angeles Fire Chief Douglas Barry said. Firefighters have contained the blaze, but not extinguished it, officials said.(Full Article)

How I Got Conned into Scooping Ice Cream Again

On Thursday, I decided to take a break from being bored and feeling depressed about turning 22 and go for a drive. I weaved in and out of the various backroads in the area, but upon looking at the gas gauge and realizing that I'd be responsible for filling it up if it went down any longer, I figured I'd make a stop.

I pulled into Eats and Sweets, off of rte 611 in Scotrun, PA - a place that I know well. I started working there when I was 14. I worked there every summer, with the exception of 2007 when I was in New York. When I started I was shy, clumsy, and awkward. My more recent years there proved to be less embarrassing, and I was top management, trainer, and employee #1. It's a modest place, built from the ground-up by Glenn, the same man who owns it to this day. I looked up at the giant road sign, pronouncing "Making the Poconos Sweeter Since 1983." Glad to see they used my idea.

I went in and was greeted with the usual fanfare by my second mother (the one that I actually tell things), Damaris. Damaris, a Colombian that could have been a model if she didn't marry the owner of an ice cream shop, pulled me into a deep hug and interrogated me about my life. Her accent is so thick that it feels like you've been inducted into a secret society when you actually get used to it enough to understand her. We talked for a while, and I assured her that no - I would not be working there this summer. I intended to find a real big girl job, and I couldn't do anything else. She seemed disappointed, but didn't try to argue with me.

As I turned to leave, she stopped me.

"Amy-Luna!" (An old nickname with a long-forgotten origin) "A lady from the Pocono Record is coming tomorrow morning right before open. The message you had us put on the big sign got a lot of attention. Do you want to come, since you are one of the old employees, and you can be in the picture?"
"I..uh..sure. Fine, I'll stop by."

The next morning I arrived, wearing my old Eats and Sweets T-Shirt that I had taken to wearing to bed lately. Soon after I got there I realized that no other employees were coming except for me. It was just me, the reporter, the photographer, Glenn, and Damaris. Glenn brought out all the old pictures from the last 25 years of the shop, and they gave a pretty solid interview. Glenn and Damaris got up, and I was left with the reporter.

"Can you spell your full name for me?"
"A-M-Y-K-A-N-E"
"Oh, that's an easy one."
"I try."
"So, Amy, is there anything you can tell me about working here? What's the weirdest thing someone has ever ordered?"
"Uh, one time I had a man ask for ants on his ice cream. It took me a minute to realize that he was referring to chocolate sprinkles."
"What have you enjoyed most about working here?"
I paused. "Look, this was my first job...and I've had a lot since. I made my first big mistakes here, and I learned my first lessons here. I even got into my first car accident here, when I drove into one of the planters in the side parking lot. Cost $1400 to fix the passenger door of my '92 Camry. I made the money to pay that bill working here. I had some amazing coworkers, and it really became more like a family than anything. Yeah, it gets a little crazy here sometimes, but the craziness is what prepared me for everything else I've been thrown into. And that's about it, thanks."

I shook the reporter's hand, got my picture taken making a sundae I invented 3 years ago (now a top-seller), and went back to the kitchen, where Damaris was making the first batch of chili.

"I'm not working today."
"I know."
.......
"I mean, I don't mind helping you out here and there, but it can't be like before. I can't work everyday."
"So what do you want - 2, 3 days?"
"...3 would be fine."
"Okay then Luna, how about Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Open to Close?"
"Why bother working a half day when I can just do a whole one?...I'll start Wednesday."

I left Eats and Sweets partially defeated, but a little optimistic. Hey, at least I'll have money to pay my bills, and it's not like I'm going to get sucked back into my typical run of 70-hour work weeks...right?